


you’re all that I have (to lose)

by wouldratherbe



Category: The Politician (TV 2019)
Genre: Anxiety, F/F, Voice Of Reason mcafee, astrid do be feelin some typa way, sing to me instead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:34:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22647991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wouldratherbe/pseuds/wouldratherbe
Summary: Astrid should be happy. Everything’s going really well with McAfee. But that means the other shoe has to drop sometime soon, right?Or: I try to reference as many Sing To Me Instead songs as I can
Relationships: Astrid Sloan/McAfee Westbrook
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	you’re all that I have (to lose)

**Author's Note:**

> was thinking about the girls and wrote this. nuff said.

“What? What’s wrong?”

Astrid startled out of her hazy state, staring at McAfee. She blinked, noticing how far she’s retreated into herself in the last… minute? Two? How far into the movie were they?

“Astrid?”

Right. Yeah. “No, it’s… it’s nothing. I was just thinking.”

“About what?” McAfee questioned, although Astrid doubted that she didn’t already know, based on how her hands had started reaching for her girlfriend, how her face suddenly lost any sort of nonchalance. “What’s got you so troubled? Come here.”

She made a move to slide over, into Astrid’s space, so Astrid stood up, choosing to pace instead of sitting there, waiting to self destruct. McAfee looked irritated.

“Astrid-“

“What? It’s nothing! I’m fine, I just. Need some space.” She made herself busy, moving to the kitchen to clean their dishes, even though it wasn’t her night. McAfee was right on her heels, shutting the water off, holding her hand over Astrid’s.

“Why do you need space? What’s going on?” McAfee’s phone dinged, and her face twitched as she made a move to grab it, before stopping herself. She smoothed her hands out on her pants, before looking back up. “What’s wrong?”

They stared at each other for a long while, and Astrid wished McAfee would hold her hand again. She also wished McAfee would go far away and leave her alone. She wished Payton would shut up about the stupid campaign and leave her and her girlfriend alone for ten minutes, because Astrid missed McAfee. Missed feeling like she was the most important thing in McAfee’s life, because McAfee was definitely the most important thing in hers.

But that wasn’t the same for McAfee, not anymore. Maybe it never had been. McAfee was too important, too steady, too strong to need her. She was everything Astrid was not. Maybe she had wanted Astrid, for a time, but she sure as hell didn’t need her. Not the way that Astrid needed McAfee. She was stupid for just realizing that.

Astrid asked Skye, once, how she and McAfee had broken up. Skye had said hurtful, vicious things, and left McAfee at a diner. Astrid had scoffed, and Skye explained. “I’d just wanted to hurt her. I said what I knew would hit her hard. I felt bad about it, of course. But I was so mad at her…. that’s how I knew it wasn’t love… Maybe she loved me, though. I didn’t love her, at least. You don’t… _can’t_ do that to someone you love.”

She wanted to say something cutting. Something so hurtful that McAfee would just leave her right here in the kitchen. Just walk out and never come back. But she couldn’t even begin to think of what to say. She loved her too much to consider the idea. But she didn’t think McAfee was quite there yet.

“Can you just break up with me now, while I’m ready?”

Astrid couldn’t bring herself to look at McAfee’s face while she said it. The silence that stretched was unending, and when she finally did glance up, McAfee was still trying to comprehend what she had just said. This was the longest Astrid had ever seen her think about anything.

“Astrid, what-“

“You’re busy, I know. You have your… duties to Payton, or wh-“

“Did Payton tell you to say this?”

“Would I have listened if he did?”

The girls stared at each other for another moment, before McAfee’s shoulders dropped. “Do you want to break up, Astrid?”

She thought hard. Of course she didn’t want to break up! But she wasn’t going to hold McAfee back. “I want you to do whatever is in your best interest.”

Astrid could feel the facade starting to fall. She was trying her best to be strong. To be put together, and content, and strong. McAfee saw straight through it, and had Astrid in her arms in less than two seconds, holding her tight. Astrid tried to hold her back, but something kept her from wrapping her arms around McAfee’s neck.

“What if what's in my best interest is staying here with you?”

“I would say that you're being ridiculous.”

“Shh.” McAfee held her there for who knows how long, petting her hair and whispering stupid shit in her ear until the pounding heartbeats slowed, and the shaking stopped.

“Why do you need to be alone so badly?”

Astrid fell back to Earth, bombarded with a question that she had asked herself many times, and never found the answer to. But now, standing with the one person she was sure she loved, it seemed so clear. “I don’t know. It’s safer. I don’t want to grow to need you there, and then not have you one day.”

McAfee hummed an acknowledgement, swaying slightly. “I’m not going anywhere, Astrid.”

“You can’t promise that,” she choked, her arms wrapping around McAfee.

“No, I can't. And I can’t promise that I won’t be taken too soon. But I can promise that I love you more and more each day. And as long as I’m able, I’m sticking by you. I’m not running away, Astrid.”

Against her better judgment, Astrid squeezed McAfee tighter, sealing the deal. “Please don’t leave.”

“I won’t,” McAfee promised.

Her heart was in McAfee’s hands now, and anything different would destroy her. But she didn’t know how to express that, so she clung to McAfee and let her ease the storm in her mind.

**Author's Note:**

> i have to get up for school in three hours ;) kinda sexy of me ngl
> 
> please leave comments and kudos so I can feel as though this wasn’t a huge waste of my time! xoxo, stupid girl


End file.
